From mini-air@chem.harvard.edu Mon Feb 9 01:23 EST 1998 Received: from garnet.acns.fsu.edu (gmhub.acns.fsu.edu [128.186.195.10]) by polaris.net (8.8.8/8.7.6) with ESMTP id BAA00889 for ; Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:23:14 -0500 (EST) Received: from chem.harvard.edu (chem.harvard.edu [128.103.96.254]) by garnet.acns.fsu.edu (8.8.6/8.8.6) with ESMTP id BAA62976; Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:23:53 -0500 Received: from chem (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by chem.harvard.edu (8.7.1/8.7.1) with SMTP id BAA10462; Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:23:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:23:45 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <199802090408.XAA14069@wilson.harvard.edu> Errors-To: marca@chem.harvard.edu Reply-To: mini-air@chem.harvard.edu Originator: mini-air@air.harvard.edu Sender: mini-air@chem.harvard.edu Precedence: bulk From: Marc Abrahams To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: mini-AIR Feb 98 - Explosive Birth (and A typo-laden extravaganza) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas Content-Type: text Content-Length: 25172 Status: RO PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-02 February, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-02-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-02-01 Table of Contents 1998-02-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-02-03 What's New in AIR 1998-02-04 Naming That Swoon 1998-02-05 Mistaken Widowhood 1998-02-06 Scientific Correctness Survey #11: Life on Mars 1998-02-07 Chair Upon Chair 1998-02-08 Valentine's Words from the Hearts 1998-02-09 Banana Spam 1998-02-10 Frank Wu's Hit Parade 1998-02-11 The Best of George: "What Does It Mean" 1998-02-12 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers 1998-02-13 May We Recommend 1998-02-14 AIRhead Events 1998-02-15 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-02-16 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-02-17 Our Address (*) 1998-02-18 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-02 mini-Housekeeping AIR TOUR. During the next two weeks, the AIR tour will be descending on Philadelphia, Maryland, and Washington (DC). See the "AIRhead Events" Section below for details. Later events are on tap in Cincinnati, New York City, Upstate New York, San Diego, San Francisco, New Mexico, and (perhaps) Los Angeles. If you, too, would like to host an event in one of those regions (or anywhere else!), please get in touch ASAP. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 2 (the Mar/Apr 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 4:1 is the annual Swimsuit Issue. It contains a hard-hitting photojournalistic essay of three of the most dazzling science beauties to be foound on or under land or sea. The issue also contains a plethora of regular AIR features, and other features such as: * "NOBEL THOUGHTS: George Olah," by Marc Abrahams. An interview with Nobel Laureate George about how one should respond to barking dogs. * "Cat Tunnelling," by Frederick B. Reitz. An eploration of the quantum mechanical behavior of domestic cats, in particular their apparent ability to instantaneously vanish from one location and appear at another. * "Gunga Dean," by Eric Schulman. A minor epic poem about battlefield courage in academia. A complete table of contents and a lovely reproduction of the cover will eventually be posted on our web site http://www.improb.com ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-04 Naming That Swoon Lat month, we announced our search for a magnificent monicker to describe the thin, thin, thinning of the universe into gradual blandness. The monicker will be a counterpart, a bookend if yu will, to the beloved "Big Bang." Our own proposal was "The Final Fade." Readers poured upon us an unrelentng stream of alternatives. Here are some of them. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, people proposed abject variations inspired by T.S. Eliot's universal doggerel: "This is the way the world ends, Not with a bang, but a whimper" We'll mention a few of them this month (and more next month!), specifically: The Big Whimper (Tom Valesky, Laurie Wilson, et al.) Whimper of the Universe (Alan Brady) The Wispy Whimper (Lee Naish) The Wee Whimper (Andre Robatino, Art Greenwalt, et al.) Non-Eliot entries include: The Big Fizzle (Mark Perew) Fade to Black" (Timothy Poston) A Gazillion Degrees of Separation (Bob Wakulich) Omega Point Blank (Brian W. Darvell) After M*A*S*H (Charles Seife) The Energizer [It keeps GOING and GOING and GOING...] (Walter Leight) The Grand Goodbye (Wade Smith) The Republican Convention (Ian Davis) Anorexia Galactica (Greg Hundley) Investigator Art Markman begged to reserve judgement: "Seems to me that we ought to name the hypothesis that the universe will expand indefinitely the 'Bono effect' after the late singer/songwriter/Congressman. It would capture the notion of fading gradually into obscurity, while leaving open the possibility of a final crash (that nobody would notice for a few hours)." Investigator Beverly Jordan took a different approach still: "I propose naming the unique phenomena and boundaries of the expanding universe "Stretch Marks." As a scientific woman who has given birth, I know what it feels like to expand. I think the image is apt, and will enable people everywhere to feel closer to the universe by having sympathy for its growing pains." Next month we'll present more -- many more -- and then put the best ones up for a (universal, of course) vote. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-05 Mistaken Widowhood Last month's mini-AIR report about Dalhousie University included the remarkable statement: "The core part of 'Vision 2000' is a multi-user laboratory that is nearly widowless." Remark on this statement many of you did. Here are some nearly singular replies: Wendy Cooper: "My sympathy goes to those in the Vision 2000 laboratory who don't fall into the 'widowless' category. I hope they eventually meet someone nice to go with their lives with." Jordan Brown: "They hire only males and unmarried females, or they fire females when their husbands die?" Naomi Stephen: "How many widows can a research laboratory lose before it hits the 'nearly' mark?" David Given:"Surely such a state must be a boolean yes/no value, not a continuously changeable value as the phrase "nearly widowless" would suggest. David Hoekema: "The item brings to mind a newspaper item from fifty years ago that my father used to cite, from a column on interior decoration, which was approximately as follows: 'Nothing adds drama to a large room so effectively as one or two undraped widows." It's hard to argue with that." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-06 Scientific Correctness Survey #11: Life on Mars We are still are conducting public opinion survey #11 to settle the bitterly argued scientific controversy: Does the famous Antarctica meteorite show that there is life on Mars? A few highlights so far: Amy Raditz, Douglas Harbrecht, and many others: "No." Dieter Noonan, Elizabeth Yee, and many others: "Yes." Please send your vote to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-07 Chair Upon Chair Project Strange Seat is off to a spendid start. This is an attempt to identify and catalog unusual academic chairs (endowed faculty positions, not furniture). It is organized and conducted jointly by Richard Morin of the Washington Post and by the Annals of Improbable Research. The first installment of the committee's report was published in the Sunday, February 8, 1998 issue of "The Washington Post." Subsequent installments will appear in the Post and/or in mini-AIR. The final, comprehensive report will be published later thsi year in AIR itself. Can these curious chairs bear (in addition to the heavy academic presence of their endowed occupants) the weight of our collective scrutiny? Perhaps. If you have seen a strange seat, please pass pertinent data to or . ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-08 Valentine's Words from the Hearts Investigator Holly Teichholtz is pioneering a new form of techno- nutritional poetry. Teichholtz uses a palette consisting of (a) words and phrases imprinted on the tiny candy hearts manufactured by the Necco company and (b) anagrams derived therefrom. Here are two Teichholtz semi-automatic poems for Valentine's Day. They demonstrate how romance has changed since the days of Shakespeare. A HUNTING TRIP IN WINTER We-- we shot these? Wow! Wet elk sat. I will tweak, lest yak urine do tie up ice. EDNA'S ADVENTURE AT THE RINK [HE:] Skate welt, cutie pie? [SHE:] You are kind. Sew the cut. [HE:] I will. But ere I do rub thy own tee, nice girl- [SHE:] Whose wet tee? Rub thy own! You irk Edna. Run! Okay? DIE! Oh, you irk Edna!! Please send your literary or other criticism directly to the author at . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-09 Banana Spam Thank you, and enough all ready, to the many, many, many, many, many readers who read investigator Carl Witthoft's well-worn ditty "Time flies; You cannot; They go too fast" and responded by emailing us the lamentably immortal "Time flies like an arrow;' Fruit flies like a banana" The overwhelming response broke our counter, who is still in the hospital recovering. Please do not send flowers, chocolates, bananas, arrows, or anything. Leave the poor man alone. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-10 Frank Wu's Hit Parade Investigator Frank Wu is compiling a list of specific TV and movies believed to have elicited violent or bizarre behavior in real people. (Wu reports: "No suggestions are made about the intelligence, or lack thereof, of people cited herein.") We do not know why Wu is mounting this collection, but we applaud his enthusiasm. Here are highlights from Wu's preliminary list: 1940's-present: Superman (US TV and film). A 3-year-old Crestline, California, boy who wanting to fly like Superman made a 25-foot dive out of a second-story window. (Assoc. Press, 2/21/89). 1993: Beavis and Butt-head (US TV). A five-year-old in Moraine, Ohio, set fire to his family's mobile home. His mother blamed the cartoon show "Beavis and Butt-head." (Assoc. Press, 10/21/93; see also: Beavis and Butt-head FAQ at http://www.thewebdepot.com/cwallner/faq/faqtop.htm, which reports additional curiosities related to the incident.) 1993: The Program (film). In October, 1993, Bayville, New York kids re-enacted a scene from the movie. They laid down in the middle of a busy highway. One boy was killed, and two others seriously injured. 1995?: The Lion King (film). A 14-year-old British boy hanged himself, apparently because he wanted to be reborn as a central character in the film. (Reuters) 1997: Basketball Diaries (film). A 14-year-old boy opened fire on a West Paducah, Kentucky, prayer group meeting, killing three and wounding five. A prosecutor said the boy described having seen a similar scene in the movie. 1997: Pokemon (Pocket Monsters) (Japanese TV). At least 651 children were taken to the hospital after showing symptoms of convulsions and eye irritations. The illness was apparently caused by a five-second long segment in which the main character's (Pikachu) eyes flashed red, and has been attributed to photosensitive epilepsy. (Kyoto News). Some of the above incidents are documented, others are not. if you have a DOCUMENTED occurrence, please get in touch wiht investigator Wu at . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-11 The Best of George: "What Does It Mean" Depositions are much in the news these days. This example, drawn from our own experience, may be typical. Then again, it may be anything but. Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called " What Does It Mean." George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $8.1 million (up from the $4.2 million he originally asked). George's accusations include conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire original complaint on our web site (http://www.improb.com). George is acting as his own lawyer. He spent two days taking a formal deposition from Marc. Here is another typical passage from the official (405 pages) deposition transcript. * * * * * * GEORGE: When you say that the journal or AIR is produced by the entire former editorial staff, they actually produce it? MARC: I'm sorry. I don't understand the question. GEORGE: Well, I'm trying to understand what you wrote. MARC: What do you mean by - GEORGE: Are you telling me you don't understand your own writing? MARC: I don't understand - you seem to be asking me to - GEORGE: Explain what you said there. MARC: - explain the English language to you. What would you like to know? GEORGE: What does it mean when you say that AIR is produced by the entire former editorial staff of the Journal of Irreproducible Results, what does that mean, what did you mean? MARC: Well, you're reading half the sentence, but it means that the people mentioned in this sentence are the ones who produce the magazine. * * * * * * In other developments: 1. George is also asking the US Trademark Office to give him ownership of the phrase "IG NOBEL PRIZE." George told the Trademark Office that the prizes are given for "the best manuscripts submitted" to George for publication in his magazine. 2. George has also written to BankBoston, demanding that the bank allow George to come examine Marc's personal bank records. BankBoston has indicated that it will give George full access. 3. George has now filed a photograph of himself with both the Trademark Office and the Northern District Court. He has not (to the best of our knowledge) yet filed a photograph of himself with BankBoston. * * * If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . Many of you have asked: Is George really doing this, and does he really exist? The answer to both question is: yes. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-12 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers Investigator J. Timothy Thompson writes: "While the recounted litigious exploits of George Scherr are very entertaining, I wonder if it might be more prudent, legally speaking, for Marc Abrahams to follow the President's example. He ought to simply and vehemently declare 'I did not have sexual relations with George Scherr!', then refuse to comment any further on their relationship." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-13 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) BIRTH OF THE BIG BANG THEORY "Nitroglycerine to Facilitate Fetal Extraction During Cesearean Delivery," M. David, H. Halle, W. Lichtenegger, P. Sinha, and T. Zimmerman, "Obstetrics and Gynecology," vol. 91, no. 1, January 1998, pp. 119-24. (Thanks to Richard Leavitt for bringing this to our attention.) PLIANT PATIENTS "Rubber Men," R.C. Bell, "British Journal of Plastic Surgery," vol. 23, no. 4, Octpber 1970, pp. 337-338. (Thanks to Belinda Lu for bringing this to our attention.) THOUGHT FOR FOOD "How to be a Fig," D.H. Janzen, "Annual Review of Ecology and Systematics 10," 1979, pp. 13-51. (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-02-14 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, email MIT ALUMNI CLUB OF DELAWARE VALLEY Fri, Feb 13, early evening. Philadelphia Marriott West, 111 Crawford Ave, West Conshohocken, PA. Dinner at 6 pm, improbable research&technology lecture/slide show, and indoor paper plane engineering competition at 7:30. (There is an admission charge.) Everyone (not just MIT alums!) most welcome, but please contact Elizabeth Chen for reservations: 215-652-0673 (days) or 215-799-0641 (eves). FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, Philadelphia Sat, Feb 14, 11:30 am AND 2:30 pm. Two -- count em -- two improbable research presentations featuring Marc Abrahams, Karen Hopkin, Eric Schulman, and other Valentinian AIRheads, and video glimpses of Ig Nobel ceremony highlights. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING Sat, Feb 14, 8:45 PM Marriott Hotel, Philadelphia. AIR authors Marc Abrahams, Earle Spamer, Len Finegold, Eric Schulman, et al. will present their annual spectacular special session on "Advances in Improbable Research, and the Ig Nobel Prizes." INFO: Al Teich MOUNT ST. MARY'S COLLEGE, EMMITSBURG, MD Mon, Feb 16, 7 pm. Lewis Auditorium, in the Science Building. INFO: Prof. Robert Keefer (301) 447-5394, Ext. 4251, or Frank Buhrman buhrman@msmary.edu> (301) 447-5366 REITER'S BOOKSTORE, WASHINGTON DC Tues, Feb 17, 5:30-7:30 pm. 2021 K St., NW, in downtown Washington. Reading/performance and book signing w/Marc and other AIR authors. INFO: 202-223-5561 THOMAS JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL FOR SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY, ALEXANDRIA, VA Wed, Feb 18, 2:20-4:00 pm. Seminar/slide show for students and other brave scientists. INFO: Regina Reynolds (202) 707-6379 NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, BETHESDA MD Thurs, Feb 19 2:30 pm to 3:30 pm, Lipsett Auditorium, NIH Clinical Center (Building 10). NINDS Seminar, Advances in Improbable Research, with Marc Abrahams. (SPECIAL PR-EVENT: join us for lunch and help conduct a review of the NIH cafeteria.) INFO: Frank Nice 301-496-156 UNIFORMED SERVICES UNIVERSITY OF THE HEALTH SCIENCES, BETHESDA MD, Bldg A, Room A Thurs, Feb 19, 4:30-6:00 pm. This event will also feature a special appearance by the plaster cast of the left foot of Nobel Laureate Richard Roberts. The foot will be accompanied by its current owner, who will be available to sign autographs. INFO: Mike Dubic 301- 295-9733 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, WASHINGTON DC Fri, Feb 20, 1-2 pm. Mary Pickford Theater, Madison Building, Room 302. Slide show/lecture and book signing. INFO: Georgia Higley 202-707-2963, or Regina Reynolds (202) 707-6379 SPECIAL RESEARCH TALK, P&G, CINCINNATI, OH March 12 This is a special closed event for a Procter&Gamble scientists. If you would like to host an event in the area, please contact 617-491-4437 UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI COLLEGE OF MEDICINE Fri, Mar 13 12:30-1:30 pm. Room 5051, Medical Science Building (corner of Bethesda and Eden across from Children's Hospital). Sponsored by The Chronic Ill. INFO: Eric Rickin 513- 281-4097 MAYERSON ACADEMY, CINCINNATI Sat, Mar 14 Morning-afternoon. Special workshop/seminar (w/breakfast&lunch) for teachers and anyone interested in science education. Co-sponsored by Association for Rational Thought. INFO: Judy Pettigrew 513-984-0614, or BRAD BONHAM 513-761-5613. NEW YORK CITY AND UPSTATE NEW YORK March Various events TBA. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO (approx.) Fri, Apr 3 Joint event co-sponsored by USD and other local universities. INFO: Donald McGraw 619-260-4553 ASSOCIATION OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE MEETING, SAN DIEGO Sat, Apr 4 Special improbable research seminar as part of the AWIS meeting. INFO: Isabel Corcos . STANFORD UNIVERSITY (approx) Tues, Apr 8 Details TBA. Other events will also be scheduled for the Bay Area. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. 1998 WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION / ROCKY MOUNTAIN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION JOINT CONVENTION Fri, April 17, 1988, Hyatt Regency Hotel, Albuquerque Convention Center, Albuquerque, NM, 1:00 pm. Other events will also be scheduled for the area. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ALBUQUERQUE/ SANTA FE AREA Late April Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. LOS ANGELES Various events TBA, late April. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-15 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ............................................................... Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ............................................................... USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ............................................................... Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-16 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-02-17 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-02-18 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================